Hello my loves,
It has been a minute since I have posted here. I miss it. I miss you guys.
I have been engaging in a lot of self reflection lately. It will always amaze me how much life can change so drastically in such a short period of time. My birthday recently past and even though I didn’t do anything special, it was still a very meaningful day.
At the beginning of this year I was convinced I would not be alive to see my 22nd birthday. I had relapsed with my eating disorder, I was self-harming again, and I was very very suicidal… My depression gave me this obscured view of the world where I truly believed no one cared about me. I didn’t understand why anyone would care for me. I stopped seeing a future for myself where I’d think about my future and it would be dark. It didn’t exist. This scared me. So I made the decision to admit myself into a hospital which looking back was one of the best decisions I have ever made for my life.
Today, I am back in school. I have goals again. I can confidentially say with no doubt that I love myself. Truly love myself. I realize now that people actually love me for me and I came to realize this only by learning to love myself. In return? I ended up meeting someone. Kinda.. haha.
I came to the realization my previous relationship was not only toxic, but abusive. This relationship hurt me in many ways in which I won’t get into, but I am now in a relationship that still seems like a dream to me.
I’d like to introduce you to my best friend and now boyfriend: Ray.
This guy has been one of my closets friends since I was 13 years old.
He treats me better than I could’ve ever dreamed. He loves every part of me, even the parts I’m still learning to love.
I bring him up because if I had followed through with my suicidal intentions I wouldn’t have known what actual love is. Both self and partner love.
So, keep going. Keep going for you. Keep going for your future. Because I can promise you it truly truly gets better.
I know what dark days feel like. I would be lying if I said I was 100% better now. But I am 90%. You can get there too. I promise.
P.S. I will write more soon ❤